


I Can't Tell You What This Is

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-08
Updated: 2006-03-08
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian's thoughts after Justin leaves....again S5 Episode7





	I Can't Tell You What This Is

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Thanks for the reviews of my last fic it gave me the courage to do another one!!!! P.S I finally solved the mystery of making this into more than one paragraph lol!!!  


* * *

"Not can't, can't implies that I'm incapable" I think I really believed that when I said it.

 

My feet are firmly planted and I'm standing in the same position I was in when the loft door slid closed. The sound is still ringing in my ears and I'm not certain if it has been minutes or hours. BREATHE---IN AND OUT--my movements over to the window to look out at the skyline feel surreal as if someone else is making them. I grab for my old reliable Jim Beam and I can't tell you what this is---the burning in my chest it has to be from the liquid right? Only the burn this time feels unfamiliar and cruel. BREATHE---IN AND OUT--two steps from the sofa I slide down to the floor and rest my head. Nothing in this space seems welcoming anymore and I want to run from it. This used to be our home but I can't be here anymore. Something feels stuck in my throat and I take another drink only to find I have to choke it down. I can't tell you what this is but I feel a single tear make its way out and down my cheek. I would brush it away but my hands feel useless. 

 

BREATHE---IN AND OUT--somehow I've made it to the bed but I don't have the strength to undress. This emptiness that he left me in has invaded every part of my being. The night is going to last too long and the glare of daylight will be more than I can stand. My eyes move to the clock and it seems fitting that it reads 3am. FUCK!!!! Rolling away I grab hold of a pillow that once belonged to a body that will never be here again. BREATHE---IN AND OUT--sleep is threatening to sneak up on me and I can't--I can't tell you what this is. Squeezing tighter and tighter I'm trying to find the courage to either hold on or let go, I'm not sure which. My resolve is gone and I know in the light of day I'll wear my usual mask of indifference to it all but right now---I'm broken in two and full of an ache that I know I deserve. 

The truth is I can tell you what this is because I've known it and felt it for so long that I can't remember a time when I didn't. So maybe, just maybe in the morning I can tell him what this is.


End file.
